hello my dead name is

by it could always be colder

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this album is a compilation of the feelings i've experienced regarding my identity as a gnc persxn and not feeling validated in this world, realizations learned about myself in an intimate relationship and learning how to process and admit to myself that i am a survivor. so, here are 16 tracks courtesy of the past few months. thank you everyone who has supported me and not misgendered/deadnamed me and basically made me feel welcome and okay i love you to bits <3 please dont assume ppl's gender. what's between somebody's legs is absolutely none of your fucking business and does not define them. destroy the gender binary!! destroy toxic ppl!! be careful if listening with headphones some songs may be "loud"... xoxo fm

upcoming shows:
april 23 sfv zine fest fundraiser @ a house in granada hills
may 21 daddy's house III @ the smell


released April 20, 2017

track 3 made w/ nicole kidman ( nicolekidman.bandcamp.com )
track 10 made w/ dissociative youth ( soundcloud.com/frenchfriedpegleggedpigeons )



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it could always be colder Los Angeles, California


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Track Name: when i was invincible
im 10 seeing molecules i know everything i am the water droplet hugging my eyelash i am every intention becomes regret im 20 learning a new name im still young and afraid im still old and it's the same but now i shake on the outside like i have in my head sweet empty nothings fill me up instead of something honest maybe it is until i become weightless dragging on the pavement im still learning how to forget is as honest as i'll get is as honest as i'll let it
Track Name: show anger
"i always felt like a freak and nobody felt the same way it was this ability to combine art with the circumstance before art was.. to act out despair which is more important and being able to show anger for me it was the first time i was really able to talk to ppl because i could say honestly what i was feeling and what i was doing before i didn't quite understand what i was doing you know there is no overall narrative that demands... it's as if to set up a pleasure dome is there such a thing here as true love when you have to survive thinking is either a luxury or a way if you can control it to make what is necessary enjoyable she keeps her wants in cells as soon as janey's fucking she wants to be adored as much as possible at the same time its other extreme ignored as much as possible more than this janey could no longer perceive wanting janey is want it's worse than this" - kathy acker
Track Name: keep growing ( w/ nicole kidman )
the trees will keep growing when i stop thinking the world will keep turning when i stop singing
Track Name: a l o n e
i am sad because something beautiful is over and as ppl we have this shitty habit of trying to control each other and only to consider our own best interest no i do not know what i want but i wish you wouldn't go stop tossing rocks in my stomach i want you to chew my lips until i taste blood i wake up and realize im alone
Track Name: do you know the weight of your body as a voice in the room
im not comfortable being uncomfortable all the time there's a man dead in the back of my throat falling fucking the privilege of dominance creates dynamics of a space do you know the weight of your body as a voice in the room eyes on a wall i only think when it's too late i'll eat shit and die
Track Name: deep water (pør†!$h3@d cover)
Track Name: i like u soOOo
i like u so but how come ur so far away
Track Name: im on fire (ß®üc3 $p®!ngs†een cover)
Track Name: erase me ( w/ dissociative youth )
competing to a hole competing to be whole is it still my body were we born to run born between where i am and where i want to be im still learning how to say no erase me build me up til im something tell me im nothing
Track Name: blue light
warm and fuzzy or cold and sharp i cant feel taking up too much space nowhere at the same time making the same mistakes my shadow in the blue light but you when you're there i try not to hide
Track Name: give you my lovin (m@zz¥ $tar cover)
Track Name: tow truck god
when a tow truck is a sign of god i'll find my faith in the chiming of plates meet knives overheard while i'm walking off the world outside life keeps pulling up from under the ground keeps it uneven keeps me uncertain i could keep guessing or dreaming of a purpose while i know there is nothing it is unbearable and a relief maybe i died years ago or again this morning or was it when i was born too soon to tell if investing myself in anything at all is a waste of time is space and it's closing in again my body brings me to my bruised rotting knees my body might just collapse from the pressurized air of assumption infiltrating my lungs and puppets my mouth i'll kill myself before i die a hypocrite so as long as there is comfort in the light of good company and understanding i can put off the bottomless pit where my feet becomes the ground and i cant get up and out unless i cut them off myself and crawl my way through to god knows where god couldn't care about the kingdom of the poor, black + brown bodies or the freaks or the outcasts unless our place isn't here because we cannot be contained

i feel like i've already said this a thousand times
Track Name: i w3@r yR r!n6 - c0c†e@u †wiNz (fm edit)
; )